Dragon's Lair

According to livejournal I haven't posted in 16 weeks!!!

So where have I been all this time you may ask? Well, still here, in one piece and wondering how all of you have been doing in my long, long, long absence ^^.

I have been trying to get my life back together during my absence...taking art classes which are great to do, but it's vacation stop now T-T

Am going to go to the Gym.....yep...me and sports..I know, it's a shock...even to me :P

I am also hanging around on Gaiaonline a lot lately, even own a rp guild. For those who don't know what that is, it's a fantasy based role play community! And it takes lots of time to manage it too, unfortunately T-T.

Still living with my ex....stupid tax office keeps screwing up, so we are forced to live in the same house, much to each others annoyance I might add! Ex had a new gf for a while, but he decided to break up with her..the idiot. So gone are my quite all to myself weekends, sighs.

And yes, I am the focus of his attention once more T-T.

I am hoping to go on vacation this year, but that too depends on whether a friend of mine will be able to join me, since my anxiety attacks make it hard to travel all by myself. ( she doesn't know that I want her to come along, so pssst :P )

I will update some more later..just wanted to let you all know that I am back and decided to post more..maybe not daily...but more often.

Blessed be !!!

I had a discussion with my ex yesterday, who has become my house mate at least for time being, that I will not allow him to bring any porn magazines into the house (besides he has the internet). Should he ignore that...I swear I will buy multiple vibrators and use them openly in the house...lmao

Just being nice again .... so you don't have to read it all, lol

( more random silliness )

Because I was a little bored and wanted some distractions....! :P

( sex and quiz )

Well, I guess I am ready for my second drama update (as I would call it so to say)

( drama continues )

Well, this is all I can manage to share at the moment, hope all of you are doing fine?

I was glad to see that some of you liked my poem I wrote a while ago, smiles

And I even was handed some interesting ideas for future stories or poems, whichever I will decide to write next.

Many thanks to all who have supported me....I do love you!

Since My title for this entry isn't so positive you all can probably guess that the next part won't be either, so I am placing it behind a cut. It's for all of you to decide whether you want to read it or comment it....I just need to get in of my chest!

( drama )

Hope you all are fine and will remain fine, hugs to all of you!

Hey you all, I have found my way back to LJ and to show you what I have been doing, I present to you the following...I hope you enjoy it and be kind with your criticism, since this is the first try at writing erotic uhm something, lol

For those not interested, I will be so kind and place a cut...rotfl

( erotic drabble )

I just had a erotic dream featuring Hyde (hits head on desk)

WTF?

Well as most of you have noticed already...I haven't written anything in quite some time! No, I haven't died or tried to commit suicide..I just had a LJ meltdown, so I stayed away for a while. I just couldn't make myself to write or read anything for the last 2 or so months...

I am very sorry for this and if some of you don't want to be my friends anymore, I surely understand.

But now for what happened in the meantime!

( Two months in a nutshell )

Hey everyone,

This is an one time offer!!!!lol

Soon I will start writing this years Christmas Cards, so if any of you want to receive an original Dutch Christmas Card, send me an email with your name and address and wait if Santa has been so nice of bringing you one, lol

(If not, that's also okay, saves me buying stamps, lol)

Ah-ha, I's getting way too dark too early these days! I can't say that's a very cheerful thing, sighs

( not wanting to spam up your journals )

Hello everyone.

I guess I should update again, but unfortunately I don't have much to say.

For a week and a half now I am battling a severe cold, which was introduced by a good friend of mine who came to visit. Guess she wanted to share it with me, lol.

So, besides sitting on the my sofa and watching tv, not much has been happening lately.

I haven't been able yet to read all of your entries since the dizziness and drowsiness has prevented me to concentrate, sighs.

Hope all of you are well!

Hugs

The last two days I have been watching a japanese drama called "Forbidden Love" and it really made we wonder about our society in general. About the morals and laws we so graciously deploy in this world.
This drama follows the life of a 26 year old female teacher who falls in love with her 17 year old student and the struggle they encounter with society.

I guess everyone wonders about age differences between partners sometimes and we all have our opinions about what is right and what is wrong. Stranger yet..we easily accept friendships between an adult and someone younger than 21, but what when it comes to sexual relationships...we change completely.

Personally, I don't condole a sexual relationship between an adult and a minor based solemnly on the fact that I think that anyone person under the age of 16 isn't mentally mature enough...physically..well, nowadays it seems to be normal to have sex with 12. Heck, when I was 12, my boobs just started growing and I was more interested in playing with my dolls than having sex, lol
So kids having sex at this young age really freaks me out!

But all kidding aside. If two 16 year olds are having sex, it's accepted...yet if a 16 year old is having sex with let's say a 25 year old....we all rush out of our homes and put the adult on trial! Somehow this does baffle me. So, is it the level of maturity which makes this kind of relationship a crime? I have been thinking about this and have to admit that the only reason it's a crime is because I was taught that it was!

Is the love the minor feels not real enough in our eyes? Is the adult's love not real? I am having a hard time passing judgement on this issue. I am not in those two's hearts or minds...how am I to judge if their love is less real than for example mine?

Make no mistake...I am not talking about adults who favour minors over adults. I am talking about a adult who just finds him/herself having fallen in love with someone who just happens to be underaged(by underaged I mean 16 or 17) and is being loved back!

So what is the verdict here? Should the two lovers wait until the minor becomes 18? I have thought about this as well. My logic says yes...wait till the minor is old enough, but then I consulted my heart about it and my heart thought otherwise. If two people really love eachother, they want to be together no matter what! And I can imagine that waiting one year or two could mean waiting a lifetime!

So, I have no solution, maybe you do?

Today, my therapist came to see me at my home. Since he had to be in the neighbourhood we had decided this would be more convenient. Of course the day before I had to clean my house...wouldn't want to make a bad impression, now would I, lol

Since most people don't know what's wrong with me, I think I should explain a bit. For, I think 7 years now I have been suffering from what is labeled "anxiety attacks" followed by severe angst and panic-attacks. Following things mostly comes suicidal impulses which scare the living daylights out of me and of course last but not least...the depression caused by the utter despair of all the above.

Before that, I considered myself fairly "normal", lol...I went out with friends, loved to travel and just have fun like everyone else I guess. Okay, because of paranormal inclination "normal" is a bit exaggerated.

Well, that all changed after I got ill. How did I get this way...actually...I just got a flue and the above was the result....Strange huh, I think so too, but hey....that's basically what happened.

Since I am quite a fighter and not ashamed to ask for help when I really need it...I decided to go into therapy, several times...and of course got labeled from anxiety to borderline patient (at least they found a name for what I was suffering from, right?)

But my fundamental problem lies elsewhere...I hope I can explain this right, as most of you know that english is not my mother-tongue! Okay, here goes: My personality is actually split into two...my mind and my emotions...only Me and Mini Me don't connect very well, lol. My mind has grown up, but my emotions haven't, hence the Mini me, lol. So, how does this look like in real life? All my decisions are based on logic, though this doesn't mean that I am not an emotional person...I am too sensitive, too sensitive to cope with my own build up of emotions.....I have put all my negative emotions in a big drawer and just closed it, unfortunately I have closed myself of from a lot of positive emotions, like confidence and even aggression, for aggression gives you strength. this means, because I cannot reach into myself, I don't feel safe anywhere unless someone is around me. Being this scared and feeling this unsafe in oneself is sheer hell sometimes, since the only person you cannot run from is yourself right?

Okay, going back to my therapist....(I really adore this man, I do!)today he explained to me how people in general cope with grief or trauma...first stage is being confronted with a traumatic event. If the grief or the trauma is too great, the mind shuts itself off...for else you would get an overload (makes sense, at least to me it does). Then slowly overtime the pain of the trauma releases bit by bit, giving the person the chance to accept and experience what has happened. This is the place where the pain, the grief and the tears are. When all the grief and pain is released the healing process and the pain slowly begins to fade until one sees the experience from a distance. When this has happened, the road to a new path is opened.

Why I explain this to you you might ask? Tonight I became very aware of the fact that I am unable to go into my trauma, to feel the pain, sadness and despair and so I can not go on....
I am stuck, for I cannot create the safety or the belief in myself to jump into that pit! I need a temporary artificial safety-net to go through this process and hopefully find my own strength again.

The only person I really feel safe and secure with is my father...He's the only person where I allow myself to cry (pathetic, isn't it, sighs) but because I know that when I show my pain to my parents they get upset themselves, I refrain myself from doing so..hence I am stuck again..Am I still making sense here? I hope so.

My therapist knows my parents as well and he suggested next session to go to my parents, well actually my father and explain to him that he is my only option for healing and me crying is necessary and maybe coach my father in not getting upset when I do this...Of course I am afraid that I will be too much of a burden or that my father cannot cope with my grief and make it his own. But actually, I feel like he's my last option, my last chance of recovery. If this shouldn't work, I wouldn't know what to do anymore...I have tried so much, sighs

Well, that's the plan, just wanted to share

( because I can )

LAYER ONE: ON THE OUTSIDE

Name: Patricia
Birth date: February 18th 1972
Current Location: Venlo
Eye Color: Grey
Hair Color: Dark Brown
Righty or Lefty: Righty
Zodiac Sign: Aquarius

LAYER TWO: ON THE INSIDE

Your heritage: Half Dutch, half German born in germany, grew up in the Netherlands
Your fears: Committing Suicide
Your weakness: Thinks too much
Your perfect pizza: Pizza with lots of shrimps, tomato sauce and cheese
Goal you'd like to achieve: Conquer my fears

LAYER THREE: YESTERDAY, TODAY, TOMORROW

Your thoughts first waking up: Toilet.....hurry!
Your best physical feature: My eyes
Your bedtime: Any time I feel tired
Your most missed memory: The feeling of happiness

LAYER FOUR: YOUR PICK
Pepsi or Coke: Coke
McDonald's or Burger King: McDonalds I guess, Burger King is too far away!
Single or group dates: Single.
Adidas or Nike: Nike.
Lipton Tea or Nestea: Lipton?
Chocolate or vanilla: Chocolate!!!
Cappuccino or coffee: Coffee

LAYER FIVE: DO YOU?

Smoke: Yes.
Cuss: Not so much
Take a shower daily: No, I rather wash myself than shower daily
Have a crush: From time to time, lol
Think you've been in love: yes, at least I think so
Like school: Yes!
Want to get married: Not really!
Believe in yourself: Only sometimes!
Think you're a health freak: Nope.

LAYER SIX: IN THE PAST MONTH HAVE YOU..

Gone to the mall: We don't have malls, so if you mean gone shopping, then yes
Been on stage: No
Eaten Sushi: yes.
Dyed your hair: Often enough

LAYER SEVEN: HAVE YOU EVER

Played a stripping game: Nope!
Gotten beaten up: Yes.
Changed who you were to fit in: In a long lost past, yes!

LAYER EIGHT: GETTING OLD
Age you're hoping to be married: Still, not really, a paper doesn't change anything and besides, I like my last name, grins
Age you want to die: Before I get too weak or senile or hurting from a really bad disease!

LAYER NINE: IN A GUY/GIRL
Best eye color: As long as they sparkle, I don't have a favourite
Best hair color: Dark
Short or long hair: Depends on the nationality of the person!

LAYER TEN: WHAT WERE YOU DOING
1 MINUTE AGO: Breathe
1 HOUR AGO: Burning DVD's
1 DAY AGO: Watching Jdrama's
1 WEEK AGO: Watching A sleeping Forrest
1 YEAR AGO: My memory doesn't stretch that far, lol

LAYER 11: FINISH THE SENTENCE
I LOVE: My son
I FEEL: Neutral
I HATE: I don't really hate!
I HIDE: My true self
I MISS: My son
I NEED: to be more in touch with me!

Hey everyone, I know it has been a while and I am sorry for that...I haven't been feeling to well lately with all that has happened with my father and such, so I didn't have the energy to be online and read what all of you have written yet.

To all who have sent me their best wishes and support, thanks you, love you for it, smiles

So, my father is feeling a lot better, but yesterday my own back gave in, lol....makes you think back aches are contagious doesn't it? haha

Oh, I have entered the world which is called Gaia online...where you can be a little avatar running around in an animated world trying to save money to get a decent outfit (yep, just like playing with barbies, only....uhm...uhmm more immature, blushes)I have a journal there as well, but I must say, I am not sure if I am going to be on that site much longer.....well, that is....I am thinking about leaving.....(still thinking). So if anyone is a Gaian as well....you can find me by my username Seirin01 (don't ask, lol)

That's about all I guess...oh, I promise to have read everything you have written by the end of the week, so beware of replies, grins

Hugs to all of you!

A sudden phone call at 23.00 from my parents yesterday! They never call that late, so anxiously I answered the phone. My mother saying "your father has collapsed"! Putting a dress over my nightgown, grabbing my bag, I rush over. Looking into my mother's face and seeing a very worried and disturbed look...After asking her what happened it turned out that my father suffered from acute backache. As it turned out my father had been having troubles with his back the entire weekend and last night he couldn't move anymore and lay in bed....so I went upstairs while my mother went to fetch proscribed medication..

After spending some time with my father, cooling his head with a washcloth, smoking a cigarette with him I found out that my father wasn't suffering from his usual back problems...He couldn't move his upper torso at all without crying out in pain....
Ever seen one of your parents cry out in pain....it's something I probably will never forget! Taking care of my father was also very new to me...Normally parents take care of their children, now it was the other way around...very strange experience though!

After my mother returned my father took his meds and I went home, only to be called again at 02.00 that something was very wrong...my father couldn't breathe...had an allergic reaction to the meds and my mother had contacted the emergency doctor yet again and again had to go out and fetch new meds for my father...While I sat at my father's side again, I could tell he was really scared...he daren't go to sleep, fearing his breathing would stop, so I grabbed a book and started reading to him...That was a first...I continued doing so even after my father had taken the new meds. Then I got into bed next to him, for he wanted me to keep an eye on him, listen to his breathing...I read the book for myself and approximately at 05.00 after having a little talk with my mother, convincing her that my father was fine I too fell asleep...Not for very long though...my father woke up around 8, so I kept him occupied till he could take his next medication and at 11 I finally made it home, with a promise to come back in the evening and see how things were going...My mother, it turned out, hadn't slept the entire night and day and I started to get worried she might overexert herself.
so finally, after dinner, we put a tv in my parents bedroom, so my father had something to watch and my mother could hopefully have a good sleep.

Oh, I forgot...the doctor came by again later today and concluded that my father suffered from acute muscle-cramps in his entire back. God only knows how he got that way...he doesn't even know..but now he isn't allowed to go to work for at least 2 weeks(sheer torture for my dad, I can tell you that) than he has to go get physiotherapy and intense physiofitness, though he already mentioned he wasn't up for the last. (stubborn as hell that man, now you know where I get it from, grins)

Well, good to get that of my chest and hopefully my mind, for I noticed that I myself are quite shaken by the whole ideal...At my parent's house I was calm, helpful, comforting, but it took a lot out of me...so I hope I don't have one of my own break downs, sighs

On a brighter not...I watched a great japanese drama this week called Yasha. Here a little synopsis for those who like japanese drama:

The story is about a set of twin baby boy who were created/cloned in the laboratory as a part of gene altering/gene therapy experiment, because of the nature of the project, the twin were born with superior physical strength, supernatural power and extremely high IQ. Unfortunately, the twin were separated at birth. One of the brother grew up to be a elite bio-chemistry scientist in an America. He was assigned to a project where he has to travel to a small island in Japan to investigate a unidentified virus that is spreading on the island. By a freak of nature, He accidentally found out that he has a twin brother........whose evil, dark personality is entirely opposite of him. What is going to happen when they finally meet face to face. They will soon found out their true identity.........why were they separated at birth, what other secrets were hidden from them...... does the fast spreading virus has anything to do with the twin boys? who created the twins? and why?

Do I have anything to update???? Hmm, let me think!

Oh, I am currently watching Kiba(anime) and thus far I really like it. Since it does not say how many eps there will be, I am kind of fearful that it's going to be a longer series than just 26 episodes this time, but I am enjoying myself...so that's good, grins

I have also been watching Ouron, at least 19 episodes thus far and I have to say, this is a really hilarious series, LOL

Well, nothing more to say, except that I am going to jump into the shower and go to my friend's house, for she will be receiving new furniture really soon and needs to clean out her old ones...Here comes miss Hulk, yay!

So to all of you, thanks for being my friend and hope you are all well!!


Hugs

Went on a sleepover last night...guess where? My parents' house! Yeah really....I felt like a small kid again, grins
So I had to walk all the way there....yes, a whole block away...LOL
The reason you ask? Well, my boyfriend went on one of his "I am going out tonight" things and since I had to get up like really really early to go to my favourite "shrink" and my mother had to drive, it was only logical to sleep over, or so I thought!

Ugh, I had the worst night ever. My parents have a spare bed with an extra matress on it, so I kept rolling into the corner against the wall, LOL
Hence, I couldn't fall asleep and when I did sleep I would wake up every hour or so! So at 07.00 I decided to roll out of the bed on the other side and totally broken went downstairs...It's nice though, breakfast was made, tea, etc....Like the old days...I guess I really am the little girl who wants to be taken care of by her parents (blushes of embarrassment).

What else...hmm...went on a shopping spree ever since I got my money! In one month I bought dvd's and books! Wanna know which ones? If not...though luck..I am gonna tell you anyway, LOL

DVD's (Asian Movies)
- The Returner
- Sky High
- Azumi 1
- Azumi 2
- Eye 1

Books

All by Laurell K. Hamilton
- Seduced by Midnight
- A Caress of Twilight
- A Kiss of Shadows
- A Stroke of Midnight
- Guilty Pleasures
- The Laughing Corpse
- Circus of the Damned
- The Lunatic Cafe

All the books are Urban Fantasy and they will keep me busy for the next couple of weeks, I am sure of it.

Oh and Gilraen has taught me how to make icons, finally! I was having so much trouble using Photo shop and Gilraen showed me how to do them using Gimp...so I am really happy now. I finally got to make a Vincent Icon. For those who don't know who that is. He's the main character in a game called 'Dirge of Cerberus', which is actually a 'lost chapter' of Final Fantasy VII. Really cool guy too, too bad he's animated, ROTFL

Well, that's all the rambling for today...now I have to go downstairs and start watching 'Ouran Host Club' to catch up with Gilraen! haha

yeay, anime here I come!